Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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