Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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