I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
