New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I am midnight drunk by noon
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
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