I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
