so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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