He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
