WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
