I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
