Sry I called you an 8
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
