this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
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He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
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My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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