I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
