Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
