the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
