Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
