I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
i've created a new STD.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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