I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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