bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
