Girls should come with a carfax report
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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