my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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