naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
The uberlube is also flammable
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
