Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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