The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Randomize
