y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
