I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The best revenge is premature balding
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
