Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Fuck me I smell like cheese
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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