It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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