I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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