I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
