I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
