My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
