its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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