Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
