i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
