her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
