yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
