I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
