When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
