I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
