I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize