I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
