I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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