you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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