I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
