I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Less talking, more tequila
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
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