I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
