I just made out with a guy for $7.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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