guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.