we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.