Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(313): View more from Michigan

You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you

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(313): You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you http://tfl.nu/5wuc

Replies (5) Good night (886) Bad night (1293)
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(818): View more from California

Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.

(818): View more from California

Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.

(818): View more from California

And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.

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(818): Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week. (818): Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks. (818): And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it. http://tfl.nu/ncbc

Replies (14) Good night (3475) Bad night (660)
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night

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(617): I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night http://tfl.nu/u1r5

Replies (29) Good night (1921) Bad night (7262)
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(347): View more from New York

How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"

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(347): How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka" http://tfl.nu/7oja

Replies (6) Good night (5154) Bad night (901)
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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead

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(508): I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead http://tfl.nu/5uyo

Replies (14) Good night (805) Bad night (2707)
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(971): View more from Oregon

I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity

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(971): I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity http://tfl.nu/5clm

Replies (4) Good night (862) Bad night (2834)
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(864): View more from South Carolina

Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.

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(864): Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded. http://tfl.nu/5fxu

Replies (21) Good night (3886) Bad night (1969)
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(404): View more from Georgia

And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?

(1-404): View more from Georgia

So the keyword here is "hammered"?

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(404): And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right? (1-404): So the keyword here is "hammered"? http://tfl.nu/1kxs

Replies (1) Good night (1516) Bad night (463)
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(914): View more from New York

I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.

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(914): I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm. http://tfl.nu/kbjg

Replies (13) Good night (1554) Bad night (780)
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(810): View more from Michigan

its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU

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(810): its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU http://tfl.nu/okh4

Replies (6) Good night (696) Bad night (1193)
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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.

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(787): Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now. http://tfl.nu/rhtn

Replies (6) Good night (785) Bad night (506)
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(505): View more from New Mexico

Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.

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(505): Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels. http://tfl.nu/3182

Replies (3) Good night (310) Bad night (818)
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(847): View more from Illinois

It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.

(224): View more from Illinois

Those were right hand only?

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(847): It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times. (224): Those were right hand only? http://tfl.nu/iwna

Replies (2) Good night (750) Bad night (392)
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(678): View more from Georgia

She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.

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(678): She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away. http://tfl.nu/rg5h

Replies (3) Good night (761) Bad night (302)
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(516): View more from New York

I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.

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(516): I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life. http://tfl.nu/l6bp

Replies (0) Good night (582) Bad night (340)

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