If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
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the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
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Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child