I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
