I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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