I'm so fucking centered right now
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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