I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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