i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
The beer is more important than you right now.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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