I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
