Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
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My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
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I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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