also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
