I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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