dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
