Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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