the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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