someone get that fucking seahorse.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
