It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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