i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It's shark week go big or go home
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
