You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
