i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
