she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
